Editorial Draft- Athenapup4

Suicide Underneath

The heart wrenching conversation about suicide and suicide prevention continues, as it must. This silent epidemic is only going to continue to grow and affect more lives if the conversation stops. On September 12 2019, Peggy Wehmeyer shares her story about her husband’s suicide in the article What Lies in Suicide’s Wake. Having to push past the overwhelming feeling of guilt, the constant question of what more could have been done and the constant reminders of the event are struggles not only Peggy has dealt with but many others. It is advocated in the article that Peggy’s husband’s suicide was the result of personal issue that required help. Not just the love of one person can fix something so deep in someone else. Understanding how common mental illness and suicide is might get the message across to fully know why it is so important to be informed of it. 

The suicide rate is only growing. From 1998 to 2016 suicide rates releaved an increase of 25% nationwide and more than 30% in over half the U.S. states. Stereotypical assumptions that women are more likely to commit suicide over men have been proven otherwise. From ages 10 to 34 suicide is the second leading cause of death in America. Of 121 people who commit suicide each day 93 of them are men. Although women are more likely to have suicidal thoughts  it is imperative to understand the fact that either way, mental illness has no restrictions.

No matter the race, religion, color, creed or sexual orientation everyone is capable of developing and suffering from a mental illness. If this is something that is limited to no one the problem must be known and ways to help must be presented. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a hotline you can call or online chat with to speak about issues someone may be dealing with. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is another organization one can turn to in order to seek help. Just knowing what the early signs of depression or any other mental illness may save a life. 

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8 Responses to Editorial Draft- Athenapup4

  1. ahntkd99 says:

    I really like your topic that people usually not talking about but in your sentence it’s little confused to read that “25% nationwide and more than 30% in over half the U.S. states.” I think you can make it more clear.

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  2. lelebxby says:

    – You have a strong hook that states your opinion clearly.
    – You should change “…personal issue…” to either “…a personal issue…” or “… personal issues…” depending if he had multiple or just one issue.
    – Saying words like “might” insinuates you yourself aren’t confident in your claim.
    -Saying “25% nationwide” but then saying “30% in over half the U.S.” is kind of confusing. Was it 25% or 30% in the nation?
    – Maybe you can link the links of the hotlines when your mention them.
    – I would suggest giving more opinions/facts about mental illness rather than listing statistics (like how does it happen? Are there medications? Types of mental illnesses/disorders, etc)
    Overall a really good piece that’s on a very important topic not really talked about.

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  3. ahntkd99 says:

    I’ll be back to write a peer review on this one.

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  4. smellycat23 says:

    I like the first sentence. Your opinion is clear.
    “…Peggy has dealt with but many others.” – add a comma after with
    You could add an adjective in your last sentence after the word informed. You say “informed of it” Maybe say something like horrendous problem.
    First sentence of second paragraph- “releaved” typo?
    I also like the last sentence of your second paragraph and the use of the word imperative.
    “If this is something that is limited to no one the problem must be known and ways to help must be presented.” add a comma after no one
    Good First draft!

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  5. morra2024 says:

    I’ll be back to provide peer review for this one.

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    • morra2024 says:

      A stunning first draft. You have a lot of feedback, so I’ll try to be make mine as concise as possible.
      Here’s what I would improve:
      1. heart-wrenching (adjective) vs heart wrenching
      2. I would personally eliminate as much negation as possible, e.g. I would rewrite “are struggles not only Peggy, but many others have dealt with,” as “are struggles that Peggy and many others have dealt with”. Same thing with “not just the love of one person.” In order to prevent confusion, “the love of one person simply isn’t enough” would be more appropriate in my opinion.
      3. What does “releaved” mean? Did you mean relived?
      4. As with my previous point about negation, the phrase “have been proven otherwise,” confuses me. It could be replaced with “have been disproved.”
      5. In general, commas are missing in a couple of places: e.g. before “93” in each day 93 of them are men.”

      Overall, it is an outstanding piece of work in my opinion. Good luck in polishing it till it becomes a masterpiece!

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  6. smellycat23 says:

    I’ll be back to provide peer review for this one

    Like

  7. lelebxby says:

    I’ll be back to provide peer review.

    Like

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