LTE Draft – christopharocomp1

 

Video Games Don’t Cause Shootings. . . But They Don’t Prevent Them Either

To the editor:

In Kevin Draper’s August 5, 2019 article “Video Games Aren’t Why Shootings Happen. Politicians Still Blame Them”, he attacks an extremely modern theory that tends to be held by particularly ancient people. Of course, we are talking about the theory that video games cause violence. This belief over the past decade has become more and more popular as mass shootings have become common place in American society.

Kevin’s argument is very appealing to people who identify as “Gamers” like me. We gamers share a love and passion for video games. To some of us it is more then some free time or a hobby, it is an escape, our meditation, a place we can socialize with people from around the world and so much more. However, to think our video game community is impenetrable from enduring or inflicting real world violence is absurd. This video game society is not some utopian state, it is just like the imperfect society we all share.  

The Jacksonville Landing shooting for example was a shooting that occurred at a Madden NFL 19 video game tournament on August 26, 2018. Who or what are we to blame for such a shooting this time? Dissecting such a tragic event we could blame video games and their “violent nature”, but this football video game is based on the NFL. Does the blame now shift to the American sport of football and its violent tackles, physicality, and head traumas? Or, do we agree that neither one of these issues are a factor and that we blame the shooter, David Katz. After he lost, maybe his over competitive nature and missed opportunity of prize money that he may have been relying on to live, pushed him over the edge or triggered an undiagnosed mental health issue? Maybe, we forget all logical reasoning and disapprove that a formula of all the stated and unfound hazardous factors could have been the cause of such a disastrous event and just blame it on an inanimate object such as a gun.

Do I believe that video games cause violence, yes they could, can, and probably have when the wrong construction of awful conditions have been inadvertently fused together. Do I believe that video games can solely cause violence, hell no! The main problem here all stems from the, undiagnosed, untreated, undiscovered, and lack of awareness around mental health issues. To be able to perform such a hideous act of violence is an unhealthy mind set or some menacing chemical combination going on in our brain and body that has been left untreated. In the United States alone, almost half of adults (46%) will experience a mental illness during their lifetime, and only 41% of that 46% will receive professional health care or services. However, with the proper education, you can support the change in the conversation around mental illness and its health care. We owe it to the patients, future generations, and loved ones around us to help find better ways to deal with mental health issues. Go get educated, support those around you who suffer from mental illnesses, get help for yourself if you need it, and raise mental health awareness.

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9 Responses to LTE Draft – christopharocomp1

  1. davidbdale says:

    I hope you find these Notes helpful and not too intrusive, Christopharo. Instead of asking me more questions, it is now time for you to do some revising.

    Please let me know how you feel about the feedback. Much as I like to give advice, I very quickly start to ignore students who don’t keep the conversation going.

    1. Respond to this feedback with a Reply.
    2. Open your post in Edit and make revisions.
    3. Update your post without creating a new one and without changing its title.
    4. Leave me another Reply to alert me that you’ve made changes.

    Like

    • Your notes are very insightful and exactly what I was hoping to receive. The feedback is very valuable and frank constructed criticism.

      I realize that when I become attached to my writings emotionally they can turn into lectures in my head that seep on to the page. I do enjoy however when that passion ignites my workflow. I will definitely try to be more conscious in the future of how that can affect the language of my work.

      I appreciate the rephrased examples, they are incredibly helpful. Also, I found the excerpt from the democratic debate to be a perfect way to show the difference between two different types of rhetoric.

      Than you for your feedback.

      Like

      • davidbdale says:

        That’s a tough balance to strike, between “lectures in my head that seep onto the page” and the “passion [that] ignites my workflow,” Christopharo. I’m really glad you have the passion, and I’ll do my best to guide you away from the pedantic. When I read letters I wrote to unsuspecting correspondents in my 20s, I realize how very much in love I was with my personal syntax. I don’t regret writing like a poetry critic, but I recognize now that it was not the best way to build rapport with my readers. In this class we try to be persuasive, and that is best served by expressing our extraordinarily intelligent ideas in the simplest way possible. You have all the intelligence you need. And I have tricks to share.

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  2. davidbdale says:

    You bring out the right information at the right time, Christopharo (a primary strength), and you love using language to illuminate, but you talk out much of your material like a lecturer to an inattentive classroom—one fact, one observation, one ironic aside at a time. Readers can handle more complexity in a sentence. As an illustration:

    In Kevin Draper’s August 5, 2019 article “Video Games Aren’t Why Shootings Happen. Politicians Still Blame Them”, he attacks an extremely modern theory that tends to be held by particularly ancient people. Of course, we are talking about the theory that video games cause violence. This belief over the past decade has become more and more popular as mass shootings have become common place in American society.

    Could be streamlined without loss of comprehensibility.

    In Kevin Draper’s August 5, 2019 article “Video Games Aren’t Why Shootings Happen. Politicians Still Blame Them,” he attacks the popular but utterly discredited theory that video games cause the mass shootings all too common in American society.

    Does that help you distinguish between a strong first draft that would earn a B+ and a portfolio-ready sentence that could be part of an A essay?

    Like

  3. davidbdale says:

    You have hidden Rhetorical Questions elsewhere, too, Christopharo.

    Do I believe that video games cause violence, yes they could, can, and probably have when the wrong construction of awful conditions have been inadvertently fused together. Do I believe that video games can solely cause violence, hell no!

    Those sentences contain:

    Do I believe that video games cause violence? Yes, they could, can, and probably have when the wrong construction of awful conditions have been inadvertently fused together. Do I believe that video games can solely cause violence? Hell, no!

    Last week, Democratic Presidential Candidate Debate Moderator David Muir reminded Beto O’Rourke that he had said, “Americans who own AR-15s and AK-47s will have to sell them to the government, all of them,” and then asked him, “Are you proposing taking away their guns?” O’Rourke replied, “If it’s a weapon that was designed to kill people on a battlefield; if the high impact, high velocity round, when it hits your body, shreds everything inside of your body, because it was designed to do that, so that you would bleed to death on a battlefield and not be able to get up and kill one of our soldiers . . . Hell, yes, we’re going to take your AR-15, your AK-47. We’re not going to allow it to be used against our fellow Americans anymore.”

    I was reminded of that when I read your paragraph. It’s good evidence that there is a time and place for a strong Rhetorical Answer. O’Rourke didn’t ask himself the question. It was asked of him. But if he were following the pattern you favor, he would have said: “Am I going to take away your AK-47s, hell yes!”

    The rhetoric of a debate stage is more conversational and dramatic than the rhetoric of an academic essay, Christopharo. Your own paragraph could easily be improved by rephrasing:

    Video games cause violence, just as poverty causes violence, and a history of mental and physical abuse result in violence, just as unaddressed rage causes violence, and hundreds of other conditions alone or in catastrophic combinations. But no one factor is the cause, and to blame only video games is scapegoating pure and simple.

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  4. davidbdale says:

    Once I remove the Rhetorical Questions from your paragraph, the resulting sentences will be mine, Christopharo, and you’ll have to write your own to avoid plagiarizing me.

    For example, it would be tempting to blame violent video games for The Jacksonville Landing shooting that occurred at a Madden NFL 19 tournament on August 26, 2018, but Madden is a sports game, not a first-person shooter. It would be ludicrous to blame a game of simulated violent tackles and head trauma for the shooting spree David Katz went on. More likely, Katz was unhinged by failing to win the prize money he needed for survival and lashed out in anger. Thousands of others suffered similar disappointment that day, so it’s likely an undiagnosed mental illness caused Katz to abandon all logic while healthy attendees shrugged off the loss. Whatever the complex web of causality, opponents of video games find it much too convenient to blame all such shootings on an inanimate object such as a gun or a game.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for taking the time to leave positive and critical feedback.

    What would be the best way to go about completely removing all rhetorical questions in the third paragraph but still retaining all of the same information?

    How can I achieve “great” titling, eliminate weaker arguments and fix my punctuation and grammar?

    Where exactly would be the most natural place to break the last paragraph?

    Lastly, what are my strengths and weaknesses in my writing style and what makes it efficient and not so efficient?

    Thank you again for your time. Also, If at all possible can I receive a rough letter grade or standing of my work as is and in the future?

    Like

  6. davidbdale says:

    You need question marks following your Rhetorical questions, these and others:

    Do I believe that video games cause violence, yes they could, can, and probably have when the wrong construction of awful conditions have been inadvertently fused together. Do I believe that video games can solely cause violence, hell no! The main problem here all stems from the, undiagnosed, untreated, undiscovered, and lack of awareness around mental health issues.

    Then figure out how to write without so many Rhetorical Questions. ( 🙂 )

    Good titling, some strong arguments, some bad punctuation.

    Break that last paragraph into two. You’ll feel the natural break.

    Then consider reading the feedback session with lelebxby.
    https://newspaperlessness.com/2019/09/07/lte-draft-lelebxby/

    Like

    • Thank you for taking the time to leave positive and critical feedback.

      What would be the best way to go about completely removing all rhetorical questions in the third paragraph but still retaining all of the same information?

      How can I achieve “great” titling, eliminate weaker arguments and fix my punctuation and grammar?

      Where exactly would be the most natural place to break the last paragraph?

      Lastly, what are my strengths and weaknesses in my writing style and what makes it efficient and not so efficient?

      Thank you again for your time. Also, If at all possible can I receive a rough letter grade or standing of my work as is and in the future?

      Like

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