TR Workshop

Negative Sports Media

Professional sports are known as great entertainment, but some people only find and report the negative news that they hear or see. News reporters, for example the reporters of newspapers and news shows, don’t always write about what happens on the field, but rather find aspects of what professional players do wrong off of the field.

The first sentence sets up a false contradiction. There’s nothing contradictory about:
A: Sports are great entertainment
B: Reporters go negative
As a consequence, readers don’t know what to make of the very first sentence, and the author loses most of her credibility.

A truer contradiction would be:
A: Sports are thrilling for the physical feats on display in athletic competition.
B: However, many reporters ignore the spectacle on the field and concentrate only on reporting negative off-the-field activities.

This is exactly the content of the second sentence, a clear demonstration that the first sentence was wasteful and confusing.

Exercise: Rewrite the first paragraph in a Reply below, in one sentence or two. Identify your comment as “Negative Sports Media.”

Learning in Our Sleep

Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain. The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.

The sentences Fail For Grammar (FFG) twice for pronoun disagreement (a person/their brain) (someone/their performance/they). But besides that they’re also quite wordy and get the essay off to a very slow start.

It says: Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain.
It means: Sleep improves the brain’s efficiency.

It says: The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.
It means: Sleeping longer helps us learn and perform better on exams.

Exercise: Rewrite the first paragraph in a Reply below, in just a few sentences. Consider using a brief, simple illustration. The tone is informational but light.

Failing Schools

The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful. Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates. These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers. Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.” These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.

The sentences introduce plenty of material but are wordy and repetitious.

Fat: The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful
Lean: Underprivileged students are more likely to succeed when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.

Fat: Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates.
Lean (combine with 1st sentence): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.

Fat:These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers.
Lean: (Combine 1st 3 sentences): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.

Fat: Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.”
Lean (combine with 1, 2, 3): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers.

Fat: These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.
Lean: Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.

Final Product:Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.

Exercise: Expand the final two-sentence version back out to three or four sentences, adding a hook, a brief illustration, or an expression of opinion.

Death with Dignity

Paul Lamb, 57 was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago. He lives day by day in pain. His only release is the constant drip of morphine into his body. Mr. Lamb is not the man that he wanted to be, having to be dependent on the help from others. He describes his life as “unbearable” because of the intense pain. He has gone to court multiple times in hopes someone will be merciful and allow him to end his suffering, but he got rejected.

The paragraph suffers from a choppy, repetitive sentence structure. Every sentence begins with Paul Lamb or a pronoun referring to Paul Lamb. The result is a series of unrelated statements that make no argument.

One Solution: Paul Lamb, 57, deserves the right to be released from his pain and dependency. For 23 years, he has lived in unbearable pain, or debilitated by a morphine drip that eases the body’s agony without relieving his total dependence on others since quadriplegia deprived him of the use of his limbs. Since he cannot be the man he wants to be, Lamb has spent years unsuccessfully battling the courts for the right to end his suffering.

Exercise: Rewrite the same material to emphasize why Mr. Lamb, and nobody else, should have the right to decide his fate.

About davidbdale

Inventor of and sole practitioner of 299-word Very Short Novels. www.davidbdale.wordpress.com
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17 Responses to TR Workshop

  1. ovechkin1comp says:

    Negative sports media
    Sports reporters often focus on negative off-field activities like domestic violence, despite the thrilling spectacle of athletic competition that takes place on the field.
    Sleep
    Sleeping longer improves the brain’s efficiency to perform well on exams, along with virtually every other task.
    Failing Schools
    Inner-city children, already stricken in poverty, lack adequate public schools to motivate and teach them. Students in New York City are more likely to graduate when overcrowdedness, understaffing, and poor management of public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers.
    Death With Dignity
    Paul Lamb was left quadriplegic at the age of 37 after a car accident 23 years ago. He lives in severe pain each day relying on morphine as his only relief. He describes his life as “unbearable” after being reliant of morphine and caretakers everyday. Lamb has gone to court multiple times in hopes to legally end his suffering. The system has denied him each time.

    Like

  2. iglesias1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media
    Professional sports are a huge source of entertainment across the world. As well as many other entertainment sources in our society, negative press on the subject is overwhelmingly popular. News reporters often overlook the actual game and instead write about the athletes and scandals that occur off the field.

    Learning in Our Sleep
    Getting more sleep is crucial to improving the efficiency of ones brain. A healthy amount of sleep is proven to increase the minds ability to absorb information and improve academic performance.

    Failing Schools
    Underprivileged students in urban areas are being guided to success by receiving the educational benefits found in small specialized schools. Large public inner city high schools tend to have higher than average drop out rates, putting the students enrolled there at somewhat of a disadvantage. Overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers, many classrooms are found to be far over capacity and highly under supervised. The motivation and tools needed to successfully educate students are far harder to come by in this environment.

    Death With Dignity
    Paul Lamb was left quadriplegic after a horrible car accident 23 years ago at the tragically young age of 37. He lives in severe pain each day relying on morphine as his only relief. He describes his life as “unbearable” due to the intense pain and dependance on others in order to complete everyday tasks. Lamb has gone to court multiple times in hopes of his wish to pass with dignity to come true. However, the system has denied him each time.

    Like

  3. bloo1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media
    Many reporters tend to disregard the quality of entertainment sports provide and focus instead on athletes’ negative behavior off-the-field.

    Learning in Our Sleep
    More sleep improves cognitive brain function and performance.

    Failing Schools
    Being forced to attend overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools hinders education. Bill Moyers says underprivileged students need more “specialized” schools in order to have a better chance of graduating. Inner-city students living in poverty need schools to motivate and teach them to succeed; having resources at one’s disposal is worthless without the will to use them.

    Death with Dignity
    Paul Lamb should have the right to choose his death because every other choice in life was taken from him. Having suffered with quadriplegia for 23 years, Mr. Lamb wishes to be released from his pain and dependency on others. Enduring misery has been a fate worse than death for him. Surviving is not living, and since Paul cannot be the man he wants to be, he’s fought courts for years for the right to end his anguish. Mr. Lamb has struggled enough and just wants to die with dignity.

    Like

  4. falooda1comp says:

    Negative News Media
    Sports are a great source of entertainment for the skill and physicality required by athletes; however, many reporters choose to report dog fighting or spousal abuse from athletes rather than the achievements of the athletes.

    Learning in our Sleep
    Sleeping longer improves brain efficiency, helps us learn and perform better on exams.

    Failing Schools
    Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.

    Death with Dignity
    Paul Lamb, 57, lives day by day in unbearable pain, as a result of a car accident twenty-three years ago, with his only escape in a morphine drip which does not solve his problem of being dependent on others. Since Lamb has been forcibly kept alive against his will, he has been unsuccessfully fighting courts for the right to end his misery.

    Like

  5. giantsfan1comp says:

    “Negative Sports Media”
    Revision: Professional sports are a great form of entertainment; however, reporters tend to focus more on the abusive activities off the field rather than the sport itself.

    “Learning in Our Sleep”
    Revision: When wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of the brain, sleep is the most effective tool, for people who sleep more will find that their performance on exams and their ability to learn improves.

    “Failing Schools”
    Revision: Many disadvantaged students in metropolitan areas are forced to attend highly populated schools with extremely low graduation rates, so smaller “specialized” schools will point these students in the right direction. These schools are overcrowded, understaffed which leaves students living in poverty an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.

    “Death with Dignity”
    Revision: Paul Lamb was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident which caused him to live day by day in pain even with the constant drip of morphine into his body. By having to be dependent on the help from others, he is not the man he wanted to be. Although he has gone to court asking to end his suffering, he has been rejected.

    Like

  6. velociraptor1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media:
    News reporters write about aspects of what players do wrong off of the field rather than the great spectacles happening on the field during professional sports.

    Learning in Our Sleep:
    Sleep improves the brain’s efficiency and with ample amount of it, performance on exams and learning abilities will get better.

    Failing Schools:

    Death with Dignity:
    Paul Lamb, living as a quadriplegic for twenty-three years after a horrific accident, lives day by day in extreme pain. The constant drip of morphine is his only release from his “unbearable” life. Completely dependent on others for assistant, Lamb is not the man he wanted to be. Years have been spent unsuccessfully battling the courts for the right to end his life, resulting in the end of his eternal suffering.

    Like

  7. dean1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media: In todays society, professional sports are used for the publics entertainment, yet news reporters only seem to find the negative in professional athletes. Reporters ignore the pure talent of the players on the field and instead pick apart their wrongdoings off the field.

    Learning in Our Sleep: Getting more sleep is the first step a person can take to performing better academically. The more sleep an individual gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.

    Failing Schools:
    Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.”
    Rewrite: Classrooms in New York City high schools are both overpopulated and understaffed. The school has too many students in one room and not enough teachers to fulfill the needs of all of them.
    These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.
    Rewrite: For inner city students who are already living in poverty, being successful is possible but hard. Yet factor in the fact that they are receiving a less than mediocre education, and the road to success gets smaller and smaller. If inner city students living in poverty are not given the proper opportunity, we will never break the cycle of poverty.

    Death with Dignity
    Paul Lamb, 57 was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago and he lives day by day in pain. His only release is the constant drip of morphine into his body, and describes his life as “unbearable” because of the intense pain. Lamb is not the man that he wanted to be, nor will he ever be. His life is miserable, and that’s exactly what it is, his life. His life means his choices. Lamb is a grown man, who is already dead but living in a shell that is carrying on a dull and miserable life. If Lamb wants his life to end, then who is anyone to tell him otherwise? Lamb wants to die peacefully and now, and no one should be able to tell him otherwise.

    Like

  8. Domia abr Wyrda says:

    Negative Sports Media
    Instead of following the big game sport reporters are currently consumed with what goes on off the field. Reporters seem to only publicize the discrepancies that accure off the field, ignoring the players’ professional triumphs.

    Learning in Our Sleep
    Allowing students the opportunity to obtain more sleep has been directly correlated with improved school performance and test scores.

    Failing Schools
    The key to the success of underprivileged students lies in smaller “specialized” schools. Many disadvantaged students in densely populated areas such as New York City, are forced to attend large overcrowded high schools. These high schools suffering from overcrowding, and under-qualified teachers, have extremely low gradation rates. Allowing students the opportunity to attend smaller more specialized schools will provide them with the proper motivation and techniques needed for success.

    Death with Dignity
    Paul Lamb, 57 the only survivor of a horrible accident twenty- three years ago, has been forcibly kept on life suport to this very day. The courts, his family and hordes of unsympathetic doctors, force him to spend every waking moment of his life in horrendous pian, only to be relieved by a morphine haze. Unable to end his suffering Paul Lamb must sit in a hospital bed day after day, a useless vegetable with no control of his existence.

    Like

  9. garwin1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media
    News reporters would rather report on professional athletes abusing their spouses than the game-winning goal scored in double overtime of a championship game. The reporters ignore athletes’ on-field successes for their off-field mistakes.

    Learning in Our Sleep
    When looking to improve the performance and efficiency of the brain, sleep is the most effective tool. More sleep will result in better performance on exams and a better grasp on anything a person is trying to learn.

    Failing Schools
    New York City students are forced to attend overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools. The already underprivileged students would have more success if their large public schools were replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, according to Bill Moyer. Inner-city students do not deserve failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.

    Death With Dignity
    Paul Lamb is a 57 year old quadriplegic after being involved in a horrific car accident twenty-three years ago. He lives everyday in pain with his constant morphine drip as the only release. His self-described “unbearable” life is not the way he wants to live, but the courts will not allow him to end his suffering. Lamb should have the power to live his life as he wishes.

    Like

  10. kai1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media
    News reporters focus on the negative events such as drugs and domestic violence that occur off of the field instead of the amazing feats performed on the field.

    Learning In Our Sleep
    The brain’s efficiency is improved with more sleep. Students do not get enough sleep to perform to the highest of our capability.

    Failing Schools
    Students growing up in poor communities should receive better opportunities to do something great with their lives. Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.

    Death with Dignity
    Paul Lamb, 57, has lived for 23 years in agony ever since he became a quadriplegic. He deserves the right to be released from this life and its constant morphine drip which in no way lessens his dependence on others. The courts battle back as Lamb fights for the right to end his suffering. He is no longer the man he wishes to be and no one should stand in the way of the one thing he wants.

    Like

  11. eagles1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media
    Professional sports are known to be highly exciting and thrilling entertainment, although lately many reporters have focused their ideas on the negative off-field issues. Often, these reporters are concentrating on finding these negatives issues rather than publishing what the athletes accomplish on the field.

    Learning in Our Sleep
    Sleeping more will help achieve better grades and personal goals because sleep enhances brain efficiency.

    Failing Schools
    Under-privileged students will be more likely to pass high school if they are put into smaller concentrated schools. High-schools with low graduation rates often are overcrowded and understaffed. Students need more motivation and proper techniques in order to pass and these inner city schools consist of students living in poverty.

    Death with Dignity
    Paul Lamb, 57 deserves to decide his own fate after a horrible accident twenty-three years ago that left his quadriplegic. With the pain being “unbearable” and the only way to be release the pain is by the constant drip of morphine, Mr. Lamb should not be rejected by the courts to end his suffering.

    Like

  12. perry1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media:
    Professional sports are a source for great entertainment, but news reporters tend to focus only on what players do wrong off of the field rather than the incredible events that happen on the field.

    Learning in Our Sleep:
    To improve brain efficiency and performance, longer amounts of sleep are the best tools for a person to utilize.

    Failing Schools:
    Large public schools in New York City are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers. The already disadvantaged students are left to attend poor schools with extremely low graduation rates. According to Bill Moyers, “[these] schools are simply under managed” and the only solution is replace these failing institutions with small “specialized” schools that would lead to future success for its students.

    Death with Dignity:
    Paul Lamb, 57, has been a quadriplegic for 23 years due to a horrific car accident. Faced with constant pain and dependency, Lamb has unsuccessfully petitioned the courts to allow him to end his suffering. His only relief is a constant morphine drip, which only further increases his dependency. Lamb should have the right to decide his own fate, and choose for himself when his suffering becomes too much to bear.

    Like

  13. jaime1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media
    Professional sports are a popular form of entertainment but the media often only reports on the negative aspects of its players. Rather than report on the success a player is having on the field or on the player’s skill, media chooses to focus on a player’s failings on the field instead.

    Learning in Our Sleep
    Sleep is an effective tool that can be utilized to improve the performance and efficiency of the brain. More sleep leads to increased performance on exams and attentiveness during classes.

    Failing Schools
    Replacing large, failing public schools with smaller but “specialized” schools will guide underprivileged students on a path to become successful. Disadvantaged students are often forced to attend huge, overcrowded and understaffed high schools with low graduation rates. These students, often living in poverty are not given the proper tools or guidance needed for them to succeed as a result of attending overcrowded schools.

    Death with Dignity
    Twenty-three years ago Paul Lamb, now 57 became a quadriplegic in a catastrophic car accident. Sine that accident Lamb has been completely dependent on others, unable to care for himself or do as he wants. His life has become “unbearable” and he lives in constant pain and misery; unable to take care of himself he wants to make one final choice on his own. He has gone to court multiple times, searching for someone merciful enough to allow to make that choice and end his suffering. So far Lamb as met no one merciful enough to let him make his own final decision about his life.

    Like

  14. greentwinky1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media:
    Watching professional athletes on the field is great entertainment, but this is not enough to satisfy the media. Instead of focusing on the incredible feats of athletes, news reporters tend to report on the wrongdoings of professional players off of the field.

    Learning in Our Sleep:
    Sleep is a very effective tool to improve the efficiency of the brain. More sleep can improve performance on exams and other forms of learning.

    Failing Schools:
    The cards are stacked against inner-city students living in poverty. According to Bill Moyers, underprivileged students like those in New York City would benefit infinitely more from “specialized” schools versus the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools that they currently are forced to attend. These students deserve better than failing schools that provide no motivation and do not teach them to succeed.

    Death with Dignity:
    Paul Lamb cannot be the man he wants to be. At 57, he has spent 23 years either living in unbearable pain, or debilitated by a morphine drip that eases the body’s agony. As a quadriplegic, Lamb has been deprived of the use of his limbs and now has to live in total dependency on others. He has spent years battling the courts for the right to end his suffering, but to no avail. Lamb deserves the right to be released from his terrible pain and humiliating dependency.

    Like

  15. bagofchips1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media:
    Often times, sports reporters focus on the negative instances that happen off-field rather than the show of athleticism that occur on the field.

    Learning in Our Sleep:
    Sleep can be directly correlated with the brain’s performance and efficiency; should we get more rest, our ability to learn and exam scores will improve.

    Failing Schools:
    The students of New York City are losing the battle against overcrowded, understaffed schools. Bill Moyers suggests the currently discouraged student body deserve smaller, more “specialized” institutions to combat this inner-city dilemma.

    Death with Dignity:
    For 23 years, Paul Lamb has attempted to legally kill himself. This comes as no surprise when the quadriplegic lives day to day with the constant drip of morphine being his only release. Lamb can no longer live self-sufficient, and must rely on the support of others to continuing living the life he despises. His suffering will only end once the legal system bestows pity upon Mr. Lamb.

    Like

  16. sparky1comp says:

    Negative Sports Media
    – Sports are a great form of entertainment however reporters tend to focus on the negative aspects of the sport. Instead of solely focusing on the game they focus on off the field activities.

    Learning in Our Sleep
    – Sleep plays a major role in the efficiency of the brain allowing a person to better learn and perform better on exams.

    Failing Schools
    – Students in New York City living in poor areas deserve a better education. Underprivileged students in NYC are more likely to graduate if the existing, overcrowded and understaffed school are replaced with smaller specialized schools according to Bill Moyers. If their our more specialized school we are giving the poor students of NYC a chance at a better education.

    Death with Dignity
    – Paul Lamb was in a horrible car accident twenty-three years ago leaving him quadriplegic. This is not the future he had envisioned for himself, living on morphine drips day by day just to relieve some pain. He has gone to court numerous times in hopes that they will allow him to end his suffering, but he has been rejected time after time. Paul Lamb no longer wants to deal with this pain and agony.

    Like

  17. syntaxattack1comp says:

    Sports consist of high quality players performing in a high intensity game. Unfortunately, the skill of the players is often forgotten due to the negative connotation derived from outside sources. News reporters, for example the reporters of newspapers and news shows, don’t always write about what happens on the field, but rather find aspects of what professional players do wrong off of the field.

    Sleep improves the performance and efficiency of their brain. Sleep is directly correlated with learning ability and performance.

    Underprivileged students would be more successful if they were placed in a smaller school setting. New York City students attend large, overcrowded high schools with extremely low graduation rates. Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.” Students in these areas, living in poverty, receive an education without the proper tools for success.

    Paul Lamb, 57 was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago. He lives ‘unbearably’ day by day in intense pain, only released by a constant drip of morphine. Dependent on the help of others, Mr. Lamb is not the man that he wanted to be. He has, with no avail, gone to court multiple times in hopes someone will be merciful and allow him to end his suffering.

    Like

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