Vaping, this past summer, has been dangerously ignored while hundreds of teens have been hospitalized for strange lung issues with six recorded deaths. Vapes were initially created as a healthy alternative to cigarettes’ and marketed as a way to give up smoking. Rather than vape and THC products being seen has as a better alternative, they are already causing many health issues in the first couple years of them being released. The insane reality is that the youth is being treated as lab rats to deadly products, as there is no guarantee on the long-term affect on ones body. Tobacco products have been around for many years and it is proven they can harm the body seriously, but these past months have shown the lethalness of vape products in only a couple months. It’s clear that e-cigarettes should be carrying similar warning labels as tobacco products do.
These vape/THC products are sending people, lots being teens, to the hospital because of on going issues with their lungs. Being that 215 vapers have been recently hospitalized, doctors are researching deeper and relating these issues back to vape products. In e-cigarette products there are ingredients being discovered in the lungs of vapers that are not able to break down in the lungs. These ingredients are causing inflammation and further issues to the lungs. Many affected by the products are saying they bought there products from street dealers rather than reliable sources, like dispensaries, which may end up with them receiving bootleg products.
These products began showing up in recent hospital cases all around the same time and are sky rocketing in numbers. Personally, I believe that these products should be labeled with serious warnings with possible death outcomes, but I still think they should be legally sold. Why not continue selling them and keep businesses running and bringing in tax money for the government. It’s a personal decision whether you choose to take the risk of using a deadly product not the companies.
A fine first draft brilliantly revised as part of a Recursive Process. This item certainly illustrates Core Value 01.
Hey, Cookie, if this were the first draft of an essay that was going to receive several drafts, I’d call it a good first effort and make some suggestions about evidence and logic that would help you improve your next draft. Then I’d save advice on language and grammar for later drafts.
But this is a one-draft assignment, unless you’re serious about improving your writing, in which case I’ll help you as many times as you wish. So, instead of examining your structure and evidence, I hope you’ll submit to a deep grammar analysis of your first paragraph. Then, I hope, you’ll make some changes and ask for help on your second and third paragraphs. If you do, we’ll be collaborators for fifteen weeks. If you don’t I’ll learn to refrain from bothering you. (Hoping for the first. 🙂 )
1. Vaping doesn’t turn. It might provide pleasure. It might sicken and kill. But it doesn’t turn.
2. Perceptions of vaping might change. That’s probably what you mean.
—POSSIBLE REVISION: The dangers of vaping were largely ignored until this summer, when hundreds of young vapers were hospitalized with mysterious lung conditions and six even died.
1. You’re using a very confusing compound verb here, Cookie. You say vapes were SEEN as HEALTHY and MADE.
2. Readers are confused about how they could be SEEN to have been MADE.
3. What I think you mean is that they were MADE as an aid to smoking cessation and SEEN as healthy alternative to cigarettes.
—POSSIBLE REVISION: Vapes were marketed as a way to quit smoking and were considered a safe alternative to cigarettes.
1. Once you establish that they were marketed as a safe alternative in sentence 2, you don’t have to repeat that claim in sentence 3.
2. Once you establish in sentence 1 that vapes have sickened and killed, you don’t have to repeat that claim in sentence 3.
3. In other words, sentence 3 is redundant.
—POSSIBLE REVISION: Eliminate the sentence.
1. This is a strong and provocative claim that deserves an adamant claim and a bit of rhetoric.
—POSSIBLE REVISION: The terrifying importance of this summer’s vape health scare is that youth are lab rats for testing the lethality of new products.
1. We don’t use the 2nd person (YOU) in Comp classes.
2. In this sentence, “its” is a contraction for “it is,” spelled: “it’s.”
3. This claim that cigarette packs carry warning labels can be combined with the next sentence.
1. This claim can easily be combined with the previous sentence.
2. There’s no causal connection between the lack of warning labels and the “reason” e-cigarettes were invented.
—POSSIBLE REVISION FOR SENTENCES 5 AND 6: Tobacco kills slowly over decades, but recent vaping deaths signal that it can kill in months. It seems obvious e-cigarettes should carry warning labels like those on tobacco packaging.
How does this advice strike you, WhosYourCookie? I have reactions to your second and third paragraph too, but I’d like to see you revise your first one (and take a stab at improving the others) before I share those reactions with you.
Please respond two ways. 1) Drop me a Reply to react to the feedback you’ve received. 2) Revise and update your draft and let me know you have done so. I very quickly learn who’s eager for feedback and to ignore others.
Thank you Professor for the amazing and helpful feedback! I went on to edit all of my paragraphs as you wished me to. I used your feedback as a great understanding of what to edit and fix up in my summary and continued on with my second and third paragraphs. I will be looking forward to your insight on the rest of my summary and am extremely happy you took time to comment on my work:)