Across the United States, over 200 mysterious vaping cases have been brought to the publics attention. More teens and young adults are coming into hospitals with multiple symptoms such as fatigue, vomiting, dizziness and fever. This issue has effected an millions and more cases are brought into the public eye everyday.
Treatment to these symptoms varies, as some patients have it much worst than others, it can range from the ICU on a ventilator to a normal hospital room. The treatment is also hard because some teens are in denial, or just uninformed on the topic. The question now is what harmful toxin or contaminate is causing this outbreak in the first place. Disease control and prevention issued a warning to teens on Friday about the dangers of bootleg THC cartridges and their contents.
The illnesses have drawn much more attention to the so called “addicted” generation and introduced a new way to consume THC and nicotine. The deemed “healthy alternative” to cigarettes is nicotine added to solvents and other components that dissolve and break down the drug to administer it. Inhaling THC oil is much more risky business. Oil vaped into the lungs causes type lungs to treat the buildup as a foreign object and project and immune response to the drug.
Either the illnesses are rooting from fake THC catridges to nicotine vaping, there has only been 200 cases in a short period of time, and the results and answers to our questions still remain a mystery. The “healthy” alternative isn’t so healthy after all, and neither is our generation.
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Newspaperlessness 
Pervasive grammar and sentence structure problems further reduce the effectiveness of a post that takes no clear position.
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There are many grammar and syntax errors here, Roses, that I would like to help you correct, but you’ve asked for structural help, so I’ll wait until you present another draft for review. Please do that after you revise for structure. I think there will be issues remaining that I can help you with.
On to the structure review:
—In just three sentences, you manage to be quite wordy, Roses. You repeat “the public’s attention” and “brought into the public eye.” You repeat “200 cases” and “more teens and young adults” and “millions and more.”
—The whole thing could be replaced with: “More than 200 vapers, mostly teens and adults, have checked into hospitals with fatigue, vomiting, dizziness and fever. The mysterious symptoms, so far unexplained, have captured America’s attention.”
—I won’t do that much damage to your writing again unless you ask me to, Roses, but I thought it might help you think about how briefly you can communicate your ideas. Readers like it quickl
—What is the argument value of declaring that the symptoms vary from mild to severe, Roses? You’re under no obligation to share that detail unless it does you some good. A Purposeful Summary makes an argument of its own and uses the original material to make its case. What are you trying to demonstrate?
—How does a teen’s denial impair treatment?
—You spend two sentences to describe a warning about possible contaminants. Why? Are you suggesting that “valid” cartridges are safe while “bootleg” cartridges contain dangerous toxins?
—I agree you have a structure problem here, Roses. Let me see if I can help.
1. Your first sentence mentions both THC and nicotine and sheds doubt on whether you think one or the other is addictive.
2. The second sentence addresses just nicotine and makes no claims about its safety except to put “healthy alternative” into ironic quotes. Hard to say what you mean by that.
3. But you must think nicotine is dangerous, because you call THC oil MORE risky.”
4. Apparently THC oil builds up in the lungs and creates an unhealthy immune response.
—So, was the purpose of the paragraph to warn us of SEVERAL dangers? Or was it to compare the relative dangers of two components? And did you drop the difference between legitimate cartridges and bootleg cartridges? Are the bootlegs more likely to contain contaminants? Are those contaminants OTHER than nicotine and THC oil? See the problems?”
—It’s OK to not have all the answers. Make THAT the point of your essay. Say it clearly and say it early, and then be sure all your claims thereafter contribute to that main idea.
1. You could start with a paragraph that spells out how many vapers have been stricken by mysterious ailments.
2. You could write a 2nd paragraph that makes the claim that even PERFECT vaping products deliver several known dangerous substances including addictive nicotine and untested THC oils.
3. You could write a 3rd paragraph that makes it clear that many youth are using the MORE DANGEROUS bootleg products that can be filled by very unscrupulous providers who have no idea how bad their ingredients might be.
4. You could follow up with your observation that there’s “no free lunch.” Thinking that you’ll be healthier by vaping instead of smoking might be an illusion.
That seems compatible with your beliefs.
Helpful?
Does it sound like a good structure?
Keep the conversation going, please.
The best way to keep the feedback coming is to fully engage in the process.
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Thank you for the feedback Mister Hodges. I see now how I could have improved some sentences and also made paragraphs more brief and straight to the point. After structural revisions, I will be sure to get your help on the grammatical issues as well.
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Roses, please be more careful with your Categories.
You placed this into the Feedback Please category, but no others.
I have since added the Summary category and your own Username.
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Okay I’m so sorry about that, I’ll be sure to double check my categories before my next post!
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The feedback I would like to get back on this post is structural feedback. I have trouble with the flow of my writing, so structural work is needed in my writing.
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