Deliberate Propaganda

Hoping to be Re-Posted

Since we’re talking about the reliability of sources, I thought it might be instructive to offer a bit of deliberate propaganda to anybody who wants to unconscionably propagate it as disinformation. Here’s the graphic I created from a recent news photo.

Obama Quarantine

It’s highly likely the president choreographed the photo-op to demonstrate that Ebola is not a bogey that kills everything it touches. But the rest of the text is simply fabricated to induce outrage. If it gets picked up by other websites, the experiment will demonstrate that even when an image announces itself as not reliable, it can be “re-purposed” by less transparent publishers.

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Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to brevity and clarity
and the making of bold, clear claims.

And to the Core Values of the Writing Arts Department:

  • Writing is social and multi-stage
  • Revisions are needed on every page
  • My readings will be critical
  • My writing analytical
  • And I would rather die than plag(iarize).

I pledge to never use 2nd person, to ever say “due to” for any reason, or to ask a rhetorical question. My voice is “we,” my citations informal, my first draft is crap and so is my last, I will hunt down and cross out my favorite sentence, and periods always always always always always belong inside the quotes. And so do commas.

This and more I pledge to remember in return for feedback and cake. And if anyone asks, the answer is NO, we don’t have a final exam.

 

[NOTE]
As a first draft, this pledge is quite obviously lousy. I invite recommendations, reviews, suggested revisions, and additional commandments. Thank you.
–DSH

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Agenda MON OCT 27

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Riddle about Fate

1. Jay causes a traffic accident which severely wounds another driver and her child but spares Jay any injury and barely even damages his car. He is however arrested on suspicion of recklessness following an investigation of the accident scene. After a night in jail, Jay has to face his father, Zed, who has come to bail him out. Before he agrees to pay, Zed asks his son for an explanation. “Everything happens for a reason,” he says to Jay.

2. Kay lies in her hospital bed clinging to life. She had been drinking heavily the night of the accident, while driving her daughter home. Deeply shamed by her behavior and buoyed by the outpouring of love and concern from her friends who visit her bedside, Kay reconnects with her life and family and resolves to quit her irresponsible behavior. Suffering intense pain from her injuries, she nevertheless tells her friend, “Everything happens for a reason.”

3. Jay has no contact with Kay during her hospitalization, but the death of Kay’s daughter fills him with guilt and remorse. He sees the accident as an indictment of his recklessness but senses the hand of God at work in sparing him. He doesn’t change his behavior in any way, but ever after believes that whatever occurs in his life is God’s will, over which he has no control and for which he has no responsibility. “Everything happens for a reason,” is how he describes the human condition.

4. Zed regrets having raised a son as irresponsible as Jay and resolves to do a better job with his daughter Dee. Together they form an organization called Teens at the Scene that promotes safe teenage driving, accident prevention, and emergency responsiveness. After years of labor, they take the group national, score big, and become very influential, as well as rich. Zed proposes a toast to their good fortune, but Dee replies, “Dad, everything happens for a reason.”

In a Reply below, first identify which of these four declarations are expressions of a belief in fate. Which are not? How do the expressions of fate differ?

Posted in davidbdale, Professor Post, Riddles | 32 Comments

Feedback A05 MW

Instead of individual Replies that only one student is likely to read, I’ve decided to post feedback for all my MW students in one location so you can all see how my comments to you compare with my comments to others. I will be commenting on Argument primarily, not Grammar, Punctuation, or Sentence Structure.

Sionnain
Needs a Title

Seeing that Sionnain’s OpEd is about the Pope and nontraditional families, I decided to read it all the way through first before commenting, to be certain I understood the argument before risking being insensitive. I needn’t have worried. Sionnain doesn’t Hesitate to call Pope Francis a hypocrite whose embrace of non-heterosexuality, for example, a money grab. So we know where Sionnain stands, at least in this instance. But the rest of the claims in this essay are maddeningly “qualified.” Pope Francis, in the first sentence “would appear to be” a beacon of change. Qualifiers that follow this one include (should not act as), (an actual promise), (real change), (One explanation), (just), (it is well known), (as a whole), (really), (can lead), (could lead), (could bring), (may bring), (may be), (probably), (not just), (as it is with many things). Of these words and phrases, not one is objectionable, but the cumulative effect is that the author is guarded and careful, whereas the actual content of the argument is cynical and deeply critical. Readers will doubt this author’s authenticity and therefore credibility. Sionnain could avoid that risk by declaring in the opening sentence that the synod is a naked money grab, then SUPPORT that verifiable claim with some strong numbers. How many churches have closed (not how many might). How much have the numbers of active (contributing) parishioners suffered? It might also be very instructive to track the church’s recent huge gains in attendance in South America, Africa, and Asia, gender fluency, divorce, and childbirth outside of marriage might or might not be affecting membership. Is the news coming from the synod likely to account for membership gains globally, or just among less traditionally religious, more socially driven potential parishioners in the US and Europe? The results of researching that topic might make it either harder or easier to claim the Pope’s pronouncements are primarily recruiting slogans.

munchkin
Women are Better Decision Makers

Munchkin has already posted an A06 Rewrite, so I’ll respond to that. I’m not exaggerating when I say that the first four paragraphs could be replaced by this sentence:

It will come as no surprise that Dutch neurologists have proved women under stress make more reasonable, less risky decisions than men, whose reaction to the cortisol produced by stress makes them reckless.

The question of awareness munchkin raises is not resolved by the explanation. One paragraph says that women react consciously to an anticipated stressful situation; the next declares that we’re not aware our reason is being influenced. (These two aren’t directly opposite claims, but they’re oddly contradictory; furthermore, they make the reader ask why it should matter that we’re conscious of the change. Munchkin could make good arguments about the awareness question, but doesn’t). The last two paragraphs make good observations. Women with comparable backgrounds and abilities should be able to head off nascent problems better than men, if the effort causes stress, but they’re not enlisted to lead until men have created messes by making risky choices is the apparent theory. That’s a fascinating hypothesis that requires more than two examples to prove a trend. It also isn’t clear that calling in the girls is deliberate, or a recognition that they’ll be more deliberate in their choices. In other words, the theory might be simply that there’s a coincidence between businesses in crisis and female leadership. A more satisfying thesis than that must surely be available. What do you think, munchkin?

vermster7
Media Influences Sports

I think most readers will be befuddled by the first paragraph, which seems to promote a theory that the media spread misinformation about professional athletes’ tendencies to “act out.” If that’s truly the entire point of the introduction, what was all the rest of that material meant to accomplish? We’re also going to wonder what the author expects the media to reflect if not the truth of the athletes’ lives. Cursing out the media is news. There’s an undercurrent here of blame. Vermster7 seems to claim that “the media” (is vermster talking about beat reporters? news editors? media outlets like Sportscenter? gossip organs like TMZ?) are tainting the stories they report, “entrapping” athletes, maybe be instigating those cursing-outs. Vermster7 doesn’t say that reporters, editors, publishers, or broadcasters  are trying to ruin athletes, but that’s mostly because vermster7 doesn’t make claims clear enough to characterize. What exactly is the overall thesis here: that sports reporting should restrict itself to what occurs on the field of play? There appears to be no attempt to prove the thesis promised by the title, that the media influence sports.

gamer
Get Some Sleep!

Gamer’s essay  states a clear thesis in the first sentence and continues to argue the same idea without a detour throughout the first paragraph. We’ve read several of these essays this month already, and many in earlier semesters, and their primary claims are indisputable: sleep is healthy, lack of sleep is not; healthy, rested students perform better academically. What these essays never suggest is how to accomplish more sleep when the workload is unmanageable. They also don’t make fair comparisons. Of course a student who knows the material will perform better with sleep. But how well will a well-rested student perform who hasn’t read the assignments? If the trade-off has to be made, is the student better off sleeping or doing the reading? It’s hard to imagine the rested student who hasn’t read the material would outperform the sleepy student who was at least familiar with the textbook. Is that what gamer is arguing?

thefluxcapacitor
Politicians Push to Appoint Czar

We will wait for the evidence that czars add bureaucracy to existing government structures, but thefluxcapacitor makes the clear claim that they do, and that, by inference, we shouldn’t have an Ebola czar. Apparently the President agrees with thefluxcapacitor, but has announced willingness to cede to pressure to appoint a czar anyway. The next paragraph objects to legal complications and liability concerns, neither of which indicates the promised inefficiency. Czars may create problems, but instead of maintaining that they’re ineffective, thefluxcapacitor retreats to the position that they’re not necessary. And then acknowledges that federal machinery isn’t particularly well tuned to address emergencies.The list of responsible agencies and agency heads alone suggests that coordination of all of them might be beneficial. Yet another paragraph suggests more pointedly that the complexity of a massive bureaucracy might result in agency overlap, wasted resources, mixed messages, contradictory policies, or downright system breakdown. Doesn’t that condition favor a single individual with “the big view” and the authority to at the very least coordinate the efforts of the many jurisdictions? thefluxcapacitor doesn’t want to say so, instead claiming that the “only benefit” of a czar would be to signal the White House’s commitment. This reader is perplexed at the conclusion. The argument seemed headed to embrace the need for an executive at the top of the project. The naming of a czar would certainly indicate commitment, but thefluxcapacitor will need to demonstrate that, when “competing” agencies all arrive at the scene of an emergency, the presence of an official with primary jurisdiction is a disadvantage.

Soul
Has Not Posted

frozen8
Needs a Title

Frozen makes a very clear claim in a first paragraph that identifies both a significant problem and a solution. The weakness in the argument so far is that frozen blames the administrators and teachers of big city schools for not “making an effort,” and that so far there’s no evidence that “small specialization schools” are invariably better. But those weaknesses can be remedied with evidence. The evidence, as it comes out, seems to indicate that classes are too large and students too unruly for meaningful education. Unclear is why the number of students in a school necessarily benefits the students. Class size (the number of students in each classroom) is critical, but school size not so obviously. Many colleges have tens of thousands of students and provide quality. The connection between large and small schools and graduation rate may very well be coincidental. It’s also highly likely that the smaller schools are “cherry-picking” the most academically capable and industrious students from those gigantic schools—students who would have graduated from the large schools too, but now won’t count toward their graduation rates. Frozen will benefit from broader reading on this subject. The opinions expressed here are perfectly reasonable, but they stereotype both big schools and the parents of their students. The essay will be much stronger when it acknowledges and refutes alternate explanations.

ipl37
Needs a Title

ipl37 makes what sounds like an obvious proposal that the PCR test be used to screen airline passengers to ascertain that they don’t fly with Ebola. Desperate times call for desperate means, ipl37 says, but what exactly does the essay propose? That everyone who travels by plane from anywhere to anywhere be tested before departure? And if so, does every traveler wait for at the very least three hours in the airport before boarding? The article ipl cites indicates that the test costs between $40 and $200 per test. It also indicates that under the best conditions, tests can be conducted in three hours. But both those ideals would still be very prohibitive for travel, even if the passengers were at known risk. Imagine the resistance the idea will face for unaffected countries, unexposed travelers, frequent flyers. Can the tests be conducted just anywhere by any lab? Will it be possible to conduct thousands of tests every travel day from every airport in the program? Too many questions remain for this essay to be persuasive in its current condition, but that doesn’t mean it’s not solvable. Clarity and substantial evidence are needed.

treehugger
Needs a Title

treehugger believes strongly that terminally ill patients have the right to end their own lives rather than continue to suffer without hope, and that the law should not interfere with that right. The evidence treehugger offers is that  terminally ill patients have the right to end their own lives rather than continue to suffer without hope and that society business denying them that right. Yes, that is very circular, and an indication of the difficulty of arguing for an ethical certainty. There is a very strong legal and constitutional prejudice in favor of every human life and society is rightly wary of blurring the edges of the law on when anyone, even the suffering individual, should be permitted to end one, even one’s own. Stories like Brittany Maynard’s may be more effective than Diane Pretty’s. We don’t learn anything about Pretty’s suffering that would make us sympathize with her, whereas Maynard’s desperate need to move from state to state in search of a sympathetic doctor is more likely to break our hearts. And frankly, breaking our hearts is probably what treehugger will have to do to write an effective essay. She’ll need to share some desperate case studies, and let the patients speak for themselves. And if there are legal arguments that establish a human being’s right to end his own life on his own terms, treehugger should share those with us too. Undoubtedly such arguments were made to the legislatures and courts in states that permit assisted suicide, and that’s where treehugger should look. (I also suggest treehugger leave a comment on thedawg’s post so the two can compare notes. Thedawg’s essay, for example, has raised the “human right to die” claim in its first paragraph.)

Mazda
Sleep is a Science

Mazda has already posted an A06, so I’ll respond to that. Mazda’s new draft responds to earlier recommendations to identify the stages of sleep most important for learning, and to focus on how individuals can maximize sleep’s effectiveness at discarding the background noise of daily life and consolidating what needs to be remembered. Apparently REM can be reached in less than two hours, so the brain begins its important work early in a night’s sleep. Power naps might refresh our bodies and spirits, but they apparently do nothing to help us learn. Mazda makes some odd claims about “being able to induce a certain stage of sleep” that are not supported by the evidence presented. Since only one stage of sleep is examined here, and since it can’t be achieved (according to Mazda) for two hours, it’s hard to understand what an individual could do to achieve REM faster or make better use of it. The “production of proteins” link is a little loose too. Are the proteins produced during REM the same brain cell proteins crucial to performance? Mazda doesn’t say so. Mazda sounds much more confident than readers will be that the premise has been proved. Is sleep a science? If so, it appears to be a science any child can master by sleeping through the night.

thestayathomedad
New Ebola Warning Sign: Red Noses

thestayathomedad’s premise is not clear from the first paragraph, so I’ll read the entire essay before commenting further. Having read it all, I’m still unsure what the essay’s purpose is. It pokes fun at people who think Ebola is easy to diagnose. Then it pokes fun at people who think Ebola is a conspiracy. That is all. I have no recommendations to offer on how to make a good essay out of poking fun at people.

rowansonlyjetsfan
Texas Revisits Historical Mistake

Texas has enacted a new Voter ID law that will exclude tens of thousands of legitimate voters from the next election, says rowansonlyjetsfan. ROJF makes too little of the quirk in Texas voting law that makes it the only state that doesn’t require advance registration for voting. Readers will wonder if this is significant; is the absence of registration a deliberate attempt to put more emphasis on at-the-poll identification? In other words, does Texas deliberately exclude as any voters of a particular category as it can? ROJF reminds us that Texas and other southern states used poll taxes to exclude freed slaves from voting. Now, the essay suggests, the cost of a government-issued ID is the equivalent of a poll tax, which the 24 Amendment outlawed in the 1960s. Merely hinting that ID equals tax and that the ID has no other purpose than to deny minority voters access to the polls is not sufficient proof, of course. ROJF should include evidence that Texas is discriminatory in other ways and that other states with ID laws are also discriminatory. It would also be persuasive to demonstrate that the successful elimination of poor or minority voters would benefit some group, possibly the group that lobbied hardest for the Voter ID legislation. The sentence with four qualifiers in it ( could cause, may turn out, tend to lean a certain way) does a poor job of this. We haven’t actually heard the argument about eliminating voter fraud. An examination of the evidence for such a claim would be very beneficial.

tobes
Is Racism Improving?

Blending a national phenomenon with personal experience is a good technique for an OpEd, but the connections need to be purposeful and clear, and the objective material needs to be unassailable; otherwise, the personal material will dominate and the result is too narrow, one person’s opinion, not universal. In one paragraph instead of two, the story of being told “you’re cool despite your skin color” offers tobes a good hook to maintain that racism isn’t extinct. Tobes would benefit from referring to the sociological term microaggression to add some academic credibility to the claims of racist put-downs less overt than the obvious slurs of earlier generations. Though we may agree on the cases named, tobes cannot expect readers to simply accept the naming of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown as evidence of racism. The cases are not universally agreed to have been based on race, but they certainly touched nerves and ignited race tensions. Tobes dismisses too much significant improvement with the comment that “the only difference” between now and the Jim Crow generations is that racism is more subtle. It’s also not quite fair to accuse people who “haven’t been exposed to racism” of “pretending” that it doesn’t exist. If they really haven’t seen it, they can’t be blamed for disbelieving it. While we’re entirely ready to agree with Arnade too, tobes would be wise to cite some of Arnade’s evidence or examples, the better to illustrate why racism is still obviously alive and well. Better yet, tobes should find some independent of Arnade and share that. It would be much more effective than declaring again that subtle comments about race prove racism.

supafreak
Why Not Legalize Marijuana

As I told the class during the live critique of an essay for the TR section, I was dismayed to see that we are not done debating marijuana legalization in student essays, by far the most popular topic in Comp I classes for decades. Popular with students, that is; instructors are sick to death of it. That said, good essays can be written on any topic, provided they add something new to an academic conversation, but student essays on this topic almost never do. I enter this essay with hope and trepidation. The essay starts cute, with the misunderstanding about what is meant by “do youi smoke?” then lists the same reasons always listed by authors on this topic, that marijuana is safer than other drugs and that taxing it would pump lots of money into the government; surprisingly, it does not claim that marijuana has a dozen or so medicinal uses. This oversight will probably be corrected later. The relevance of comparing the statistics on marijuana arrests to heroin arrests, for example, is unclear. They’re both big numbers; why compare them? The lack of paragraph breaks in the essay makes the lack of transitions between topics even more obvious. Since everything runs together in one unbroken block, the author’s points proceed as if they were a stream of consciousness, depriving supafreak the chance to nail down the conclusions for the individual points. Treating the anecdotal evidence as a mob of friends who use and a mob who don’t blunts its effectiveness and makes it much less persuasive. We picture a clutch of ghouls with garish sunken and shriveled faces ravaged by cigarettes and booze, marijuana virgins all, the author assures us, and wonder what reality they have. They may exist as individuals, but they’re as useless as cartoons when they’re presented as a gang. The argument that the cannabis plant has produced useful medicinal FDA-approved derivatives is actually counterproductive. It indicates strongly that the medical benefits can be derived without encouraging patients to traffic in the banned, illegal substance. Surely by now we no longer need to demonstrate that the scare tactics employed against marijuana were often incorrect. As more and more states pass laws to legalize or decriminalize marijuana for medical or recreational use, these arguments are quaint relics of arguments that have long been settled. Even more unnecessary is the old myth that marijuana was criminalized because of Mexican day workers. The tax revenue data for Colorado is the first statistic that actually looks forward instead of backwards and therefore has a legitimate place in an OpEd on a current topic. An excellent essay could be written that examines the claims of projected future revenues, especially since the other drugs, alcohol and nicotine, to which supafreak has compared marijuana, are always considered excellent candidates for new taxes. We long ago over-committed the revenues from alcohol and unconscionably misspent the money we got from the big tobacco settlement, and still the government doesn’t have enough money to meet our obligations. How long will the windfall from marijuana taxes last? This is not a rhetorical question, but a real one that deserves to be asked and answered. A conclusion paragraph for a short essay that summarizes the previous material is not needed. Conclusions should provide new information or a new angle, or draw actual conclusions that haven’t already been clearly stated. For the best essays, they draw conclusions that have not been drawn by countless essays before.

max
Needs a Title

I haven’t read an article on the suicide/mental illness topic yet, and hadn’t read the source material before seeing this post, so I read everything before beginning to provide feedback here. There’s a lot of material in the first paragraph, which, if summarized, might go: depression burdens even apparently fortunate people with the knowledge that their illness burdens not only themselves but the people they know. That’s a lot of burden to carry. What I’ve read, and what Ralph Barton himself says, is that life events like the change of schools are not the source of depression; they’re merely the precipitating cause and apparent explanation for a pervasive illness that doesn’t actually require an external cause. That idea, combined with the claims max makes connecting stress with the symptoms of depression leads me to offer the analogy of an autoimmune disease. Stress doesn’t cause autoimmune diseases, but when a patient is weakened by stress, the underlying disease manifests with more severe symptoms. I wonder if that analogy would be useful in describing depression’s habit of showing up most obtrusively when the world delivers conflict or difficulties. The paragraph about car accidents is quite confusing, beginning with the comment about “the typical suicide car accident,” which on its face is either very scary or meaningless. We’ve agreed as a class to avoid rhetorical questions, particularly as claims, so concluding with a question, as max does here, will have to be addressed. I would think Ralph Barton answered the question anyway: that “something” can be managed only with tremendous effort and luck, and the best professionals, and maybe not forever. I remember my brother and others reacted with the very question max asks when Kurt Cobain killed himself: how could somebody who had everything feel so empty and hopeless? I wonder sometimes if the answer is primarily chemical. A few micrograms too many or two few of a psychoactive agent seem able to alter our moods and personalities so profoundly that dosages are impossible to “get right,” which brings me back to that autoimmune analogy again. If a body is at war with itself, the personality attached to it is collateral damage. None of this musing may help max write a better essay, but I could be wrong.

thedawg
Needs a Title

First, I suggest thedawg leave a comment on treehugger’s post about assisted suicide so the two can compare notes and critique each other’s work. The claim made here in the first paragraph that the right to assistance in ending one’s life is a human right is an important and clearly stated one. It’s wise also to find support for that claim in countries outside the United States, which substantiates that we’re not the pioneers here charting exotic legal territory. I have the same reaction to the Maynard and Pretty stories here as I did in treehugger’s essay. They prove only what the original author wanted them to prove, and they’re the original author’s examples; therefore, using them in the new essay to prove what they proved in the old essay amounts to not much more than summary of the original. A link to the original would eliminate the need for this new essay, which needs to establish its own turf. Two paragraphs deep, it doesn’t appear that it has, yet. Despite thedawg’s altogether honorable and entirely correct impulse to help Americans distinguish between “assisted suicide” and “the assisted death of terminally ill patients,” the job is not yet done here. I could recommend several phrases that might help, but the great triumph of this essay would be the creation of the new name for this process that would make the distinction obvious. Please reply with suggestions, thedawg, and we can start a conversation. This last paragraph doesn’t quite manage it either. Instead of fighting so hard against the notion that “assisted death isn’t cutting a life short,” thedawg might do better to acknowledge that it’s exactly that, but not only that. The body isn’t ready to quit, so the body’s life is in fact cut short. But by what right do we give the body primacy when its prisoner, the person attached to the failing machine, knows better than to drag that body to an artificial finish line?

fluffy
Needs a Title

Fluffy’s essay defines “fate” on the fly in its first paragraph as “happens because it is meant to be,” which could describe Newtonian physics, religious determinism, or pop psychology. Let’s hope fluffy will choose one as a topic and examine it in detail rather than engage in a survey overview of the choices. Two more paragraphs in, this feels like a survey. Religion is named; a second alternative is impossible to classify. The third paragraph starts to get close to an examination of an important third category of fate believers, but merely points at it and goes misses the opportunity to say something meaningful. I suggest fluffy acknowledge the primary source, skip over P2 and P3, go directly to the tumor anecdote as an example of how nonreligious people come to the conclusion that “everything happens for a reason,” and then compare that to the religious version, which not only embraces the notion that the universe is intentional, but also identifies the prime mover behind that intention. One type go looking for evidence of intentionality; the other type have it thrust upon them. I wonder if Katina now also believes in God, or would be more inclined to.

Matteo
Needs a Title

For all that I admire about Matteo’s first paragraph, it makes readers struggle to determine whether Sack, Healy, and Robles will be on the Yea or Nay side of the quarantine question. The author’s own position also seems shifty. Careful readers on a second pass will be able to clarify what has been said, but the ideal paragraph will be clear on a single reading. (Yes, I said I would concentrate on argument, not sentence structure in these notes; my comment here is actually about argument, which we can only approach through sentences.) Following a very strong opening, the essay bogs down completely by spending two paragraphs recounting the tale already told by the original authors. Surely if matteo has a point to make regarding this story, it can be told more simply. The point seems to be that quarantine is not responsible for people’s idiotic reactions to a perceived threat, or that lynch mobs don’t reason well, or that prejudices are irrational, so catering to them also makes no sense. I admire Matteo’s conclusion that quarantine is simply a dirty but necessary method to contain Ebola. It should probably be the thesis of this essay, and that thesis should be evident from the first few sentences. Nature has handed us a number that we take as reasonable because it can be understood. That’s worth mentioning. The “incubation period” is hard to dispute; therefore, if it were seven days, we would conclude that a 7-day quarantine made sense. We also therefore would conclude that 14 days would be too long. We also therefore would conclude that 21 days is unconscionable. Right? But because Ebola’s is 21 days, we consider that to be just right, and we can’t imagine anything beyond 21 days being reasonable. See how fluid our outrage is? We want a logical explanation. Some of that thought process might strengthen the later paragraphs of this essay. Is it irrational for people to wear two pairs of gloves to contact someone they can’t diagnose one way or the other for themselves? Not if they’ve been told that contact with Ebola is a death sentence. Not if they don’t quite know who to trust. If trained nurses taking precautions can get sick, what amount of caution is actually an overreaction?

bukowski
US Takes the Back Seat

Bukowski has already posted an A06, so I’m responding to that version here. What a beautifully nuanced position bukowski’s essay takes in its opening paragraph! While the second paragraph adds almost nothing to the first, it does not do the position any harm. What new idea could make it better (for only new ideas or gem-like illustrations can make support paragraphs better)? Maybe the naming of the other unlikely allies the “war” against ISIS has rallied? Or is the US/Turkey/Kurd axis the only one? Surely the third paragraph clarifies the need to name names. Talk of petty grudges and “these nations” makes readers wonder if bukowski knows who the other players are, who their histories incline them to resist allying? One or two quick IDs would suffice to allay those readers’ suspicions. (The Works Cited, for example, names Iran, but this essay does not.) The “acts of aggression” sentence contains too many claims of questionable relevance to one another. Finally, we’re going to need substantiation for the claim that the US is in the back seat. The language of the final paragraph is all innuendo, no facts, regarding the actual role of the US in support of unnamed allies. A good strong central provable thesis in search of the appropriate and specific support is what we have here so far, and a very good start it is.

aspiretoinspire
Needs a Title

We spent class time on a live critique of aspiretoinspire’s essay about guardrails, which has not be revised since, so I’m disinclined to offer additional feedback about it here at this time. However, I’ll read it again and see if anything new occurs to me. I do recall seeing a followup story in our textbook a day or so after the class, indicating that the court in which Trinity was being sued had ruled against it and laid on a heavy fine for, I think, deliberately neglecting to inform the US Traffic something that it had changed its design. I hope aspiretoinspire will have found that new source. I wonder how the author will react to this new development in a story that changes while the assignment is active? There remain many alternatives to how the “fix” will occur, what remedies will prevent future unconscionable lapses in responsibility by contractors, what government officials or agencies might have to shoulder some of the responsibility for failing to notice that deadly rails were being installed by their endorsed contractor . . . . I wonder if there was bribery involved?

Rhett
Needs a Title

We spent class time on a live critique of Rhett’s essay about the US reaction to Ebola, which has not be revised since, so I’m disinclined to offer additional feedback about it here at this time. However, I’ll read it again and see if anything new occurs to me.My primary advice, which I think I have made clear, is that the correct time to obsess about HIV would have been at the very beginning of the epidemic before it became the massive global killer it became. Objecting to our response to Ebola as overkill seems completely contrary to the AIDS illustration. In effect, there truly are no more pressing issues than the incipient problems we can squash while they’re still little bugs.

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A06: OpEd Rewrite

Your sixth writing assignment is the rewrite of your fifth: an OpEd Rewrite that responds to feedback from your instructor, your classmates, your trusted advisers, or the free student tutors at the Writing Center.

The Deadlines:

  • TUE-THU class:
    • Deadline 11:59PM MON OCT 27
  • MON-WED class:
    • Deadline 11:59PM TUE OCT 28

To complete the assignment, you’ll publish a New Post, and save it to two categories (A06: OpEd Rewrite, and your username).

What Happens Next

If you’re in TR section, I’ve provided specific deep structural feedback on your A05, in the post titled Feedback A05 TR, so you’ll improve your OpEd without further interference from me unless you specifically request it.

Members of the MW section haven’t seen their feedback yet, but will shortly, in the post titled Feedback A05 MW. I’ve extended the original deadline by 48 hours to reflect the lateness of the advice I will be offering in that feedback post. As always, for students who respond early with substantial changes responsive to early critique, I’ll be delighted to engage in additional feedback sessions in person or through the established blog practice of responding to requests for “feedback please.”

You will receive a numerical grade (translatable to a letter grade) following the posting of your A06. Until your argument achieves a letter grade of C, you’ll be told it’s Not Ready for Portfolio. Once it’s good enough to earn a C, it will be deemed Portfolio Ready, but always still improvable. You’ll have until early December to make it the best it can be.

The Nitty Gritty

  • Post in the new A06: OpEd Rewrite category, and your username
  • Give your OpEd a Title
  • Use informal citation in the body of your essay, with links to sources.
  • Provide a Works Cited.
  • Failure to post the assignment on time will result in a grade of 0/100.
  • Shorter Arguments grade category (20%)
  • TUE-THU class:
    • Deadline 11:59PM MON OCT 27
  • MON-WED class:
    • Deadline 11:59PM TUE OCT 28
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Agenda THU OCT 23

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Feedback A05 TR

Instead of individual Replies that only one student is likely to read, I’ve decided to post feedback for all my TR students in one location so you can all see how my comments to you compare with my comments to others. I will be commenting on Argument primarily, not Grammar, Punctuation, or Sentence Structure.

OwlLover
The Importance of Sleep.

OwlLover takes a long time to get to her thesis that starting school “a half-hour later” would reap many health and scholastic benefits. She makes a dozen or more claims of advantages of additional sleep, and manages to tie a couple of them to studies of highway crashes and public high school start times. Much of the research and some of the arguments are impressive, but there’s a lot more left to prove. Health problems may be related to lack of sleep, but that doesn’t mean lack of sleep causes those problems. OwlLover’s claim that starting school later would “avoid” the half-dozen listed health problems concludes WAY too much. It’s just as likely, for example, that obese students don’t sleep as much as that students who don’t sleep much become obese. The study of 9,000 Minnesota high school students who gained an hour’s worth of sleep per night from a 30-minute delay in the start of the school day simply makes no sense to thoughtful readers. It may be true, but saying that it is does not persuade us. One last clarification is required. What’s too early? In one example, classes starting at 7:20 are compared to classes starting at 8:40; but does that mean 8:40 is the ideal start time to gain the many named advantages? Why not 10am?

Domia abr Wyrda
My Amazon Obsession.

Domia has done a delightful job of chronicling the slow development of his obsession with buying ebooks from Amazon for his Kindle. And that’s about all he’s done. His “addiction” grows as all addictions do, from a first free hit supplied by the pusher, to an impulse purchase at a time of needy vulnerability, to a reflex reaction to buy buy buy, most likely with less and less satisfying results (but Domia doesn’t say so). That’s fine. And its tone is fine too for an Op-Ed, but it doesn’t pay nearly enough attention to the conflict Domia has with Amazon over his slow corruption. The essay hints in its first paragraph that there’s some reason to boycott Amazon. And in its penultimate sentence, it reprises that hint, suggesting Amazon is unfair to authors and publishers, but that’s not nearly enough to satisfy readers who want to be engaged in the story. How much more fun it would be to see Domia struggle against known evils, slowly moving from the light to the dark side, first rationalizing that the authors must be selling LOTS more books through Amazon’s agency, then rationalizing that ebooks are SO MUCH cheaper to produce than paper versions that the authors probably actually do better on the e-deals, or something of the sort! I look forward to the next deliciously evil revision.

 greentwinky
Needs a Title.

greentwinky challenges readers who might “fear” homosexuality to explain “What effect . . . the ‘unnatural’ relationship’ ” has on them, then claims categorically that condoning homosexuality will not “sway anyone’s sexual orientation,” which is, of course, a primary objection for those who do object. Saying they’re wrong is not the same as demonstrating they’re wrong, greentwinky. The categorical denials continue, with dismissive language like: “All arguments against gay marriage are completely unfounded,” to which her detractors would simply reply, “Claiming that acceptance of homosexuality will not sway anyone’s sexuality is completely unfounded.” Such arguments get us nowhere. Don’t get me wrong, greentwinky, I heartily advocate for bold clear claims, but “The opposition have no basis for their beliefs” is not a winning strategy. GT dismisses the Biblical basis for arguments on a sounder basis. Sadly, she doesn’t allow Bible believers the legitimacy of their beliefs, but she rightly claims we can’t use Biblical pronouncements as the basis for our laws. (She could refer to the current fad of promoting sharia law by fundamentalists who find a Biblical rationale for stoning female rape victims on the basis of their “adultery.” The argument that children of same-sex couples are no worse off than children whose father or mother has died is odd, almost perverse, as if we would all be comfortable letting single people adopt. Oh, right; we do let single people adopt; and we let single women artificially inseminate themselves too. But, greentwinky, nobody who objects to homosexual marriage with children is likely to favor either of those “alternative” families either. Who do you convince with this argument? (I admit it’s bold, and I’m not saying you have to lose it, but do refine it.) GT’s utterly charming portrayal of the home life of her uncle, his husband, and their adopted children, is beautifully handled. Not perfect though. It misses a chance for GT to express outrage that anyone could discredit the family her uncle has created as if it could never be as legitimate as the miserable one it replaced. The essay misses another chance to be specific about what amounts to “equal protection” when raising children. What criteria (besides the gender or orientation of the parents) should determine fitness for parenting, for example? The strongest material in the essay pertains to parenting, and the essay might benefit from a tighter focus on that aspect of gender equality alone, more fully developed, in place of the generic claims about the “acceptability” of homosexuality.

garwin
Boys Will Be Boys?

Garwin wants us to understand that student athletes are treated like elites who carry “get out of jail free” cards. After two and a half paragraphs of illustrations, we get what we’ve been waiting for: real-life examples of the domestic violence of  athletes at the professional level that demonstrate the dark consequences of treating athletes as exemplary beings. Are the situations truly parallel? Or is it possible that if Hope Solo were an accountant, she would still have her job? Maybe Adrian Peterson would still be a Quiznos manager if he had hit his son, instead of being cut from the Minnesota Vikings. Garwin will need to be careful to draw the right parallels. The argument could be made that Solo and Peterson never learned how to behave because they’ve never had to face the consequences of their misbehavior before. But the less clear argument is that they’ve been treated leniently now that they’re (or were) pro athletes: their public visibility may have cost them special consideration this time. Undoubtedly there are double standards at play here, but they cut both ways. If garwin smokes some reefer on the weekend, there might be a fine to pay for a misdemeanor. If pro athletes use the wrong drugs, even legal drugs, they can lose their jobs altogether. The negative consequences of a high-profile career can be just as unfair as the positive ones.

 giantsfan
Who Would Think Oil Rigs Help Marine Life?

Giantsfan presents the fascinating idea that since offshore oil drilling platforms promote fish and other sea life in their vicinities, we should build experimental platforms to test their effectiveness where no oil is sought but where fish are needed. Two potential problems threaten this wonderful idea. 1) The program has already been adequately presented by the original author, who is not credited here and therefore cannot be tracked. 2) The evidence presented is not nearly clear enough for readers to gauge the idea’s reasonableness. If 1), giantsfan will have to develop a fresh version of the story so that the new essay adds something to the conversation; otherwise, it does not need to exist. If 2), giantsfan will need to be much more careful to spell out the advantages and the mechanics of what appears to be an accidental blessing: free fish! Hmmm . . . while we’re on the subject, I wonder if there are land-based parallels. Useful illustrations would be that utility poles aid in bird species retention, or that one-crop agriculture promotes bee colony health, or . . . I’m just making stuff up, but the analogies would be very encouraging, especially if other industrial accidents have already been institutionalized to multiply their benefits to animal species other than fish.

Velociraptor
Needs a Title.

Velociraptor introduces us to the story of one woman who has sought but not yet received protections codified into new legislation called the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. The article on which velociraptor’s Op-Ed is based is very sympathetic to Angelica Valencia’s claim to special accommodations from her employer. So is the Op-Ed. In fact, the Op-Ed is little more than a summary of the original article at present and will need to be much more to qualify as original work. An altogether refreshing approach this reader would like to see is a reasonable refutation of the claim to protected status Valencia makes. She works in a potato packing plant, where her co-workers have tried to help out by offering to handle the heavy equipment for her. According to the company, the workplace is hectic, fast-paced, and potentially dangerous to a woman in a state of high-risk pregnancy. The company hasn’t said so (it’s probably afraid to), but it might reasonably be afraid of a lawsuit if the workload results in the second miscarriage in a year for Valencia. Velociraptor might benefit from talking over this case with a friend who isn’t quite so sympathetic to test the “opposition side” for the validity of its claims. If that idea isn’t appealing, I’ll leave it to Velociraptor to craft a different plan, but the current state of the first draft cannot be the final structure of the Op-Ed. There just isn’t anything new in it to qualify as original work.

falooda
No Op-Ed posted.

I’m startlingly sympathetic sometimes, falooda, and you do me no harm whatsoever by not posting your work on time, so I certainly don’t get angry, but you don’t do yourself any favors missing deadlines. Reach out and you’ll find me very understanding. Silence is suicide.

BagOfChips
Man’s Best Friend, or Weapon?

BagOfChips is clearly outraged by the practice of dog fighting in America, but wastes much of the first paragraph of this Op-Ed arguing all alone about whether it’s a sport or not, declaring both times that it is not. Why is not clear. The numbers don’t seem to add up. Apparently there are 250,000 dogs fighting in a given year, but only 132 cases of animal cruelty are reported annually. While it is understood not all abuses get reported, how can the quarter million number be known if only hundreds are declared? We’ll need to be linked to the reports that contain these numbers to read them for ourselves. The meaning of “animals can be hoarded” is unclear, but we are urged to confront owners of injured dogs to explain what happened, hoping that our intervention will “snowball” into an enforcement investigation. Snowballing is apparently a good outcome that will somehow keep our own animals safe. We’ve had no indication so far that anybody’s animals were at risk except those put into rings, so maybe this is a clue that the organizers of fights need our animals. Is it possible that dog fight enthusiasts capture “amateur” dogs like ours, “hoard” them, and use them in their games? I want to throw up, but I’m not sure that’s what BagOfChips means at all.

SyntaxAttack
Wake Me When September Ends

Like OwlLover, SyntaxAttack wants us to know that schoolkids aren’t getting enough sleep, but concludes that while school schedules “deplorably” interfere with our children’s sleep, the solution might not involve the school system at all. We can put our children to bed earlier or have them nap. SA’s perfectly rational recommendation makes us wonder why anyone would blame the school’s start time in the first place. Why is sleep “especially important” for adolescents? We are not told. Would delaying the start of school for an hour or two result in better-rested schoolkids? What logic says so? If they’re staying awake until midnight now, to rise at 6:30, won’t they stay awake until 2 if they know they can sleep until 8:30? What nags this reader is the existence of the studies he learned about from OwlLover that showed demonstrably beneficial results from later start times. If the benefits are real, how can they be explained? Now that we know about the studies, we’re unable to forget them, so SyntaxAttack might have to refute them to convince us of anything (a good example of recursiveness in the ongoing conversation of academic exchanges; other writers’ work interferes with the effectiveness of our own and requires our attention).

eagles
Hazing is Escalating

In Sayreville, NJ, a high school freshman was punched and kicked in the locker room while upperclassmen pinned him to the wall. Why this is offered as an example of hazing instead of a case of mass aggravated assault is not clear, since the relationship between the victim and his assailants is not specified. They may have been teammates. We’re not told. Why this incident was reported is not divulged. Were there injuries that couldn’t be concealed? Was the student brave enough to go to authorities? We wonder. The cancellation of the football season tweaks the mystery a bit, indicating the assailants may have been hazing a rookie, but again this is unclear. And the allegations of sexual abuse are completely surprising. Students appear to be sympathetic to the assailants, or at least dismissive of the victim, piling on as it were, heaping hate on all freshmen. Why? For squealing? Is the school culpable? Eagles seems to blame them for not “taking a step further.” Going back in search of details I see I glossed over the obvious claim that a “player” was assaulted prior to the “second game.” So I was told in that clause that the participants had a relationship. If the article had been clearly about high school athletes, I would not have missed that. This team, or the school board that oversees it, have cancelled the season and presumably are having the assailants prosecuted (or are they?). Is this the sort of further step eagles recommends? Or should coaches be more preventive? Are they signalling to their teams that hazing, even physical assault, is an acceptable part of a traditional sport culture?

mica
Needs a Title

Mica suggests that we sleep more since insufficient sleep can be fatal or at least detrimental. We are told (as we have been told three times now by three writers on this topic) that sleep deprivation can cause obesity, for example. But the study we are linked to through Jane Brody’s article goes out of its way to deny that the lack of sleep causes obesity. The abstract of the study says: “Obese adolescents experienced less sleep than nonobese adolescents (P < 0.01). For each hour of lost sleep, the odds of obesity increased by 80%. Sleep disturbance was not directly related to obesity in the sample, but influenced physical activity level (P < 0.01). Daytime physical activity diminished by 3% for every hour increase in sleep disturbance.” Far from claiming that sleep deprivation comes first, it says that obese individuals experience less sleep. Their weight reduces their daytime physical activity, which in turn disturbs their sleep, so the abstract says. It also seems to say that sleep disturbance resulted in reduced daytime activity, so if the abstract can be taken to offer cause/effect relationships, then we have a vicious cycle here. The point is nobody is likely to claim that less sleep is better than more sleep, but the evidence must still be accurate. We are offered mica’s own experience as a college freshman as an example of sleep deprivation, and we’re told that rested students perform faster and better than sleepy students, but instead of capitalizing on this central theme, mica generalizes the rest of the essay, which except for the personal notes boils down to a summary of the Brody article. A more specific essay that detailed the student perspective, identified the primary culprits interfering with undergraduate sleep, offered guidance for insuring adequate rest, might distinguish it enough from Brody’s original to qualify it as an essay in its own right. Otherwise it only says what Brody says.

Iglesias
Present Day Parenting

Iglesias takes the familiar slogan “It takes a village to raise a child” so seriously that we are told we are all parents, whether the children are ours or not. Parenting requires dedication from “other adults in a child’s life.” Despite all the communal raising, for some reason single parents and divorce are “negatively affecting” our society. We would have thought the extra role-modeling from all the other adults would supplement the parenting, but apparently not. We’ll wait for clarification. Iglesias suggests that the economic instability of single-parent families results in . . . what exactly? We’re not told. But we are told that we, America, has a responsibility to help improve the lives of the children in single parent families because (because?) the women in such families cannot depend on the men in their lives, AND likely make less money than those men even if they’re better educated than those men. I’m lost. Despite hinting twice that such families would be better off with two stable parents and incomes, Iglesias insists that efforts to promote two-parent families are doomed and that therefore more financial aid for vulnerable families deserves support. As I read the essay, then, its argument is that we can’t force parents to marry, or keep them from marrying poorly or from having children they can’t feed, and we haven’t found any way to persuade them to help themselves; therefore, we are obligated to give them money. Regardless of my politics, or iglesias’s politics, whatever they may be, the argument is hard to embrace. (Nobody said this job would be easy.)

bloo
Impeach Obama

Early drafts of bloo’s Op-Ed were not clear about their intentions. This one makes its bold clear claim in the title. The first paragraph advances the notions that presidents are vulnerable to the laws of nature, that only the fittest presidents can survive, and that incompetence is grounds for impeachment. Leaving all of that aside for a paragraph, bloo makes two analogies instead:bad busboys get fired, and the director of the Secret Service lost her job too, for failing to keep an armed intruder out of the White House among other breaches. The further very intriguing idea is floated that firings should be faster for jobs of greater importance. Leaving the president aside for another paragraph, bloo spends many words to argue that specialization in organizations requires highly skilled people fulfilling very specific job functions. Back to the president. Apparently a businessman must necessarily understand the nation’s economy, while a community organizer can’t possibly understand anything else. The next paragraph promises to provide what the others have not: the grounds for impeachment, since no president can be removed for incompetence or a thin resume. Most of what are alleged to be Obama’s crimes cannot fairly be laid at his feet unless the president is omnipotent. If it is a crime to fail to get the cooperation of the rest of the government, then surely he is guilty. If flawed programs are crimes, then yes. If Russia’s aggression is the president’s fault, and criminal, then yes. If the actions of the IRS were the president’s actions . . . if the national debt were the result of the president’s personal spending, and a crime, then . . . . The trouble with bloo’s argument is that gripes about a president’s effectiveness are not grounds for impeachment. When bloo concludes that “people always get the president they deserve,” I wonder how he or she explains getting stuck with Obama. What did bloo do wrong to deserve this?

jaime
Needs a Title

Jaime’s Op-Ed is about Ebola and Jaime’s Editorial was about Ebola, which will be a problem if Jaime is plagiarizing from Jaime. As long as Jaime adopts two VERY different points of view, the two assignments can stand alone and each fulfill their requirements. In this essay, Jaime wants us to know that we have more to fear from our panic about Ebola than we do from the disease itself. Jaime offers examples of people who overreact out of fear. Then Jaime offers simple instructions to get educated. The rest of the essay appears to have been written in five minutes. It offers some useful but contradictory claims. A little fear is apparently extremely useful for those who are in close contact with Ebola. It really is a death sentence for most who contract it. Those who don’t properly respect it contribute to its outbreaks, Jaime tells us. In other words, striking the right balance isn’t easy, and won’t be easy to accomplish. Jaime’s fingertips are poised just above the best approach for this essay: a point by point de-mystification of the common misconceptions about Ebola that are driving overly suggestible media consumers to the edge of panic. That would be a real service, and excellent protection against self-plagiarism.

dean
Needs a Title

Dean’s first paragraph is an orgy of the banned 2nd person and ends with a banned rhetorical question. But I said I was going to concentrate on arguments. The first two paragraphs cite the familiar litany of special privileges a student athlete receives. They might be true; we’ve certainly heard them all our lives. The third paragraph concludes that years of preferential treatment deprive our star athletes of boundaries. It makes the further claim that “adults are sitting there saying boys will be boys” when they learned that upperclassmen have been sexually assaulting freshmen athletes. That claim might need some proof. It’s a claim worth making and it would be fascinating to hear the arguments offered <em>against</em> punishing proven sex offenders. Or is the evidence not yet that clear? Is this just a case of a story we all accept at face value because it fits into a narrative we’re familiar with? THAT would make an interesting essay: a challenge to the “facts” we take for granted are true when a news report hints at them. We rush to fill in the details that aren’t provided because we think we know the whole story. I’d read that.

mandragon
Needs a Title

Huh. Mandragon claims that the vulnerability of our telecommunications infrastructure is unacceptable because it threatens small businesses. That’s unexpected. I didn’t know hackers were messing with our phones, and I would never have identified the threat as an attack on small business. Tell me more, mandragon. The first case study explains the situation. Accounts are hacked by criminals who misdirect the billing responsibility to an unsuspecting “host” account. Mr. Foreman gets a $200,000 phone bill one month for calls he didn’t make. OK. Threat to small business. I’m going to bet the courts exonerate Foreman if he was truly unaware. The second case is more interesting and deserves a fuller explanation. If the carrier permits hackers to pass through charges to its unsuspecting customers, that shift in the burden of responsibility is very significant. I may be surprised to find massive phantom charges on my own bill once, but AT&T has a fiduciary responsibility to its customers to assure their bills are accurate and appropriate. Let’s focus on that case on two fronts: how can the big telecoms defend against hackers in the first place (what happened here is not nearly clear enough); and what is the recourse when phony charges do get passed along to customers? Finally, mandragon might want to spend a few paragraphs speculating whether AT&T, like Mr. Foreman, was truly unaware or somehow complicit in the massive overbilling it did not prevent until it got into the hundreds of millions of dollars.

Ovechkin
America’s Financial Troubles

After reading the first paragraph or so, I’m wondering if the title is right. America may or may not be in financial trouble; but ovechkin clearly thinks some of us aren’t. After two paragraphs, I’m optimistic that the author may be crafting a novel solution to the problem of income inequality, even though the essay hasn’t called it a problem yet (it called it a disparity) or explained why it would be a problem (do we all just assume that rich people making thousands of times more than poor people needs to be solved?). One more paragraph in and I’ve learned that wealth redistribution is different from progressive taxing, I guess. But first we’re going to detour to examine progressive taxes, which we’ve been told is NOT the answer we’re waiting for. Now, three paragraphs in, we have been teased twice to think about spending, not taxing. If we don’t get an answer soon, we’ll bail. The solution is to spend more on education and less on defense, which sounds like a good solution to everyone, even war hawks. Who wants to spend more on defense? We might want more weapons and manpower, but we don’t want to pay for it. The solution misses the difference in funding streams for public schools. Defense spending is federal; public schools are funded by local property taxes. True, we spend more federal dollars on defense, but I’d be willing to bet that total spending on defense and education are MUCH closer than commonly thought. A comparable proposal that might come closer to eliminating systematic education inequality would be to end the local funding of public education. Poor neighborhoods get poor schools, which perpetuates poverty. Break that cycle and greater income equality might result naturally.

Sparky
Needs a Title

Skeptics more skeptical than yourself are not likely to be convinced by: “Apple has ensured that all information is properly secured,” Sparky. The fingerprint scan will soothe fears that physical transactions might occur at cash registers, but it will do nothing to convince critics who witnessed the recent leaks of celebrity photos from the iCloud that Apple can keep data secure. Of course, you’ll need to describe what EMV and NFC mean to anyone (that means most readers) who don’t already understand them. What’s the point of saying you believe there are “setbacks” in the system? Is the non-availability on android one of the “setbacks”? We can’t tell from your sentences. Why will it be hard to get people to change their ways if the new way is more convenient and “cooler”? And tell us again how Apple Pay protects us from credit card theft. You’re a victim of credit fraud, you say. Share your experience. Would it have been prevented by a system like Apple Pay?

tiger
Future 0f Marijuana

As I told the class during the live critique of this essay, I was dismayed to see that we are not done debating marijuana legalization in student essays, by far the most popular topic in Comp I classes for decades. Popular with students, that is; instructors are sick to death of it. That said, good essays can be written on any topic, provided they add something new to an academic conversation. I enter this essay with hope and trepidation. The first paragraph has been rehearsed by so many writers, that it could be written by a machine that distilled the first five pages of google hits for “medicinal marijuana.” Its conclusion, that marijuana will eventually achieve “full legalization,” seems almost a given. Tiger will need to prove another claim than this to make the essay worthwhile. The brief discussion of dronabinol, a pill form of medical marijuana, opens an interesting field of possible contention, but doesn’t follow up. The question worth asking is whether the medicinal benefits of marijuana can be delivered by a synthetic. “Pill form of medicinal marijuana” doesn’t answer that question, but if the plant isn’t necessary to deliver the results, the argument in favor of the plant might not be resolved quite yet. The argument about money wasted enforcing marijuana’s prohibition is, I hope, settled, but the claims made about the promised economic benefits of marijuana taxation are very much worth arguing, and data from the first few states to legalize are now available to support such arguments. (Hopeful casino developers in the 1980s promised to benefit Atlantic City’s poor by bringing jobs, money and overall prosperity to the town; plenty of people got very rich, but most of the money flowed upward from poor people to the already prosperous.) The street name and bad reputation commentary is cute but not purposeful. All in all, the collecting and collating of positive points of view established by countless earlier writers is well done here, but the purpose it serves might be limited to helping the next student organize another paper on an established premise. I think tiger has proved that this paper can be much better.

kai
Truth Behind the Theory

Intrigued by this unexpected topic, I followed the first link to the “goodness is rewarded” source. I wanted to understand the background story that prompted kai to write on the question: Does everything happen for a reason? What I found there is a survey of several recent studies of people’s attitudes toward fate, or the notion that events in the world are not random but part of a plan. The source benefits greatly from an opening anecdote that illustrates the point beautifully: a bomb victim falls in love with his nurse and marries her, which leads him to declare he now “understands why” he lost his limbs. There couldn’t be a more intriguing question than why we take such satisfaction in believing the universe beats us up for a reason. Kai’s essay needs to stay closer to the humanity of that question. There are no people in Kai’s essay that depends so completely on human reactions. The subjects of Kai’s sentences, instead of people, are: theory, beliefs, events, theory, possibility, creator, chance, importance, waiting, incident, the next, believing, to look, working. I suggest a framing anecdote like the one the source uses to such good effect. Since kai suggests more than once that hard work is a better determiner of positive outcomes than fate or a divine plan, I offer this example. Jay and Zee both work hard to start new businesses. They’re equally well educated and prepared to achieve their goals. They live their lives responsibly and impressively, attract investors, have good business plans, and launch successful openings. Jay’s investors die in a plane crash; Zee’s investors don’t. When Jay’s business fails, what meaning does he find in the failure? When Zee’s business thrives, does he even consider that his success was part of a master plan, or does he credit his hard work and preparation? Once the question is posed as alternative ways to see the world by people we can visualize, readers are far more likely to be able to contemplate the religious and philosophical concepts kai wants us to engage in. What do you think, kai?

perry
Death with Dignity

Perry’s first paragraph leaves no doubt that perry supports “death with dignity” laws that permit a small percentage of terminally ill patients the right to “end life on their own terms.” Perry frames the argument, it seems, as one about individual states granting or depriving a desired method of dying. Except for the one word “laws,” there’s no mention of rights, constitutionality, or any conflict between morality and legality in the introduction, and no clear statement of what the author would like to see happen, though we can guess (but we shouldn’t have to guess). Perry appears to have been influenced by our classroom reading of an article about end-of-life issues, and frames the next paragraph as a critique of the medical profession, it seems. Doctors offer patients two bad choices: prolong your life as an experiment, or die at home without medical assistance. The third alternative, as we learned from the article, does not require physician-assisted suicide, but the alternative perry offers is a life-ending prescription. Through this material, we’re losing the sense of who’s responsible for the current situation. Are state’s “ridding patients of choices” that they once had? Or have they failed to legislate new choices never dreamed of by America’s founders, who certainly didn’t write anything about legal suicide into the Constitution? Readers told to blame states for their stinginess are right to wonder whether perry wants a national law to supersede the states’ jurisdiction. If abortion can be made legal by a Supreme Court decision, couldn’t the Court also declare a person’s right to end his own life? would be one way to phrase the proposal. (The analogy is a very thorny one, but it is available.) The Brittney Maynard illustration, like all good illustrations, is powerfully persuasive for those who already support perry’s apparent position. However, it doesn’t credit, anticipate, address, or refute any reader’s likely objections to the policy of legal suicide. The final paragraph flatly declares there are no good arguments for the opposition and instead promotes the benefits for the patient of an alternative. It also fails to resolve the question of which lawmakers have what responsibilities. Perry must be deliberately avoiding making claims of any sort of constitutionally protected “rights” because the only use of the word here is ethical, not legal: “lawmakers have no right to deny a patient the choice,” or language to that effect. Patients get choices, in perry’s perfect world, without having to insist that they have a right to any particular choice. We need to know what perry thinks will get us to that place.

 

 

 

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We the Kings: Check Yes Juliet

 

Courtesy of Torey Hoeler

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Agenda WED OCT 22

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